Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
