think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
