How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
