She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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