i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
