why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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