She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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