nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
