The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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