And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
