I smell stomach acid.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
