and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
