I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
