capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
farters have to be the big spoon...
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
