apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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