I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
