bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
