we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
