I just pynch a tree in the face
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
