He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
