my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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