I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Randomize
