Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
