If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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