I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
