please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
another moral hangover. fuck.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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