The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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