I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
