I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Randomize
