I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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