Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
