Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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