Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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