this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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