I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
