i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
