just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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