I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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