Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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