I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
