she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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