my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
