I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
