I faked an abortion last night.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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