true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
