wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
