Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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