Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
