Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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