If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
