you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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