we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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