I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
