the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
