Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
